My Mad World
by My-Alphabet-Soup
Summary: What happens when every day is the same? When people don't even notice you? When you have amounted to nothing in your life? Prob OOC and suicide themes. Flamers will be mocked cruelly, so best to stay away; you have been warned.


**A/N Ok so I know I have two stories out already and I should probably update them soon. BUT, I was listening to Mad World (the Gary Jules version) and I thought "Oh my gosh! This would be the perfect song for a SONGFIC!" And so…here it is. (If you haven't heard Gary Jules' 'Mad World', please go and listen because it is absolutely haunting and a beautiful song.) This is taking place at the start of season 5.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scrubs or the song Mad World**

I sat in a chair, looking dolefully around the hospital. There was nothing new. Nothing different. It was all the same. The same as it had been yesterday, and the day before, and the day…I think you get it. It was as though everything happened in accordance with a specific schedule. One that never changed, never altered. I was getting sick of it. The only difference between today and yesterday was the illnesses that my new patients were suffering from.

It seemed unreasonable to be out of bed this early anyway. What time was it? 3 o'clock? Half past? I was fast tiring of these monotonous days. Someone was saying something to me. I didn't hear them.

_All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places, worn out faces  
Bright and early for their daily races  
Going nowhere, going nowhere_

A few days ago I had discovered that I was depressed. Well…not discovered, I had been…_comforting_ myself for months now, careful to always keep these signs of comfort hidden away from the world; no one knew about them. But it was only recently that I actually came to the conclusion that I was depressed. The strange thing was…I was ok with it. It didn't hit me hard, perhaps I already knew; I was just afraid to admit it.

I stood from the chair and walked slowly into the corridor. It was crowded but the sea of faces held no familiarity for me; they all just blurred and melted together. Someone brushed past my arm and the warmth lingered for a moment, until it just disappeared and I felt nothing. I stopped in mid-step, blinking and rubbing my eyes. I attempted to fix my gaze on one thing and noticed that I was being watched. It was the creepy Janitor. I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to say something, but he remained quiet. Maybe he knew too, maybe he knew that I was depressed. I let my eyes fall and continued down the corridor.

How much longer was I going to live in this dreary, repetitive world?

_Their tears are filling up their glasses  
No expression, no expression  
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow_

I tried to hold my head high. I tried to let the depression leak out of my system. But it wouldn't go, and I couldn't get rid of it. As I let myself into an empty room, a silent tear fell down my cheek. Why had no one noticed anything? Was I _that_ pathetic? Surely someone would realise that I was not ok. Maybe I need to give it some time. Someone will notice soon. Someone will save me. But wait…I thought I said it didn't bother me. But…but it did. It did bother me. It bothered me that no one had noticed the change in my outlook, it bothered me that I had let myself get this way and it bothered me that I was letting it bother me.

Still alone in the room, I opened a window. I was on the 4th floor of the hospital; I looked down and it was a long way. But that didn't matter, I wasn't thinking about doing anything… No, I wasn't. No. Because when someone notices, they will help me. And I will be happy again.

_Children waiting for the day they feel good  
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday  
Made to feel the way that every child should  
Sit and listen, sit and listen_

I closed the window again, it was making me nervous. I left the room and went to the nurse's station. I saw four faceless people standing there.

"Hi," I felt like it was loud. I thought I had said it loud enough so that they would hear…but no one turned, no one listened to me.

Suddenly my throat felt dry. Every breath I took ripped down my trachea and tore my lungs into tiny pieces. Though, strangely enough, my breathing remained steady, there was no noticeable change in my physical appearance.

"Guys?" I tried again, but they did not respond.

Had I done something wrong?

_Went to school and I was very nervous  
No one knew me, no one knew me  
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson  
Look right through me, look right through me_

I ran. I ran from the four faceless people. I had no idea where I was running to, but I ran. When next I came to my senses, I was standing on the roof. The cold wind whipped my face and soon I was shivering. I sat down heavily, leaning up against the wall, and curled into a ball. Why did I go to the roof? Was I contemplating the worst? Surely not, surely…not. Right?

It wasn't like this was a new scenario to me. I had often been quite comforted by the very thought. But now…now that I was capable of doing it right _now_…well, that was a different story. But the thoughts, oh how they were comforting. I had imagined it in many different ways, they never seemed painful; perhaps that's why they comforted me. But I knew that it would be…wouldn't it?

_And I find it kinda funny  
I find it kinda sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had_

I stood up and walked towards the edge. I looked down and felt a chill run rampant through my body. My spine tingled as an especially cold gust slashed at my exposed flesh. I stood still for what seemed like hours. I heard my pager sound every now and then, but I ignored it for as long as I could, until it just got the better of me and I tossed it over the edge. It smashed into a thousand pieces when it hit the ground. That would be me. All I had to do was step forwards…but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I thought about all that I would be losing. But…what would I be losing? I had no partner, I did not own a house, I had no children…what did I have? Nothing. I had amounted to nothing. Sure I had become a doctor, but that was one thing…one measly little, insignificant achievement. Suddenly it was clear, I knew what I had to do. As I put my foot over the edge, hovering just so, I heard someone behind me, but I did not care who they were or what they were doing; my fate was sealed.

_I find it hard to tell you  
I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very mad world_

"Newbie?"

…_Mad world._

**A/N By the way, I am not some depressed weirdo, the song just seemed to fit so well.**


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